I’ve seriously been dreaming every single night for the past 2 months. It’s not just one random dream it’s heaps of different dreams, mostly nightmares. Im so incredibly tired its not funny anymore…Last night I was up until 2am just lying there tired as all hell but couldn’t fall asleep coz for some stupid reason I’m scared of dreaming again.
Why cant I just have one settled dreamless night where I fall asleep and wake up in the same position I fell asleep in. Man those sleeps are freaking awesome! :(
I managed to fast through breakfast but when lunch time came my boss insisted she’d come to lunch with me to make sure I had something. I wasnt even hungry! I could have easily fasted all day. So I had a filthy chicken snitzel wrap with garlic mayo. Fuck I felt so sick after it!
By the end of lunch I was so disgusted with myself and incredibly disappointed that I sat in the toilets at work for over an hour thinking about all the calories I had consumed. For those who dont know Im a recovering bulimic.
Dinner was the worst. I knew I had a dinner date with an old and the whole drive there I planned to have the lowest and smallest calorie meal, I planned the excuses I would come up with if she questioned what I ate and I was still feeling sick from lunch so I wasnt hungry anyway. I ended up ordering Hokkien Noodles with Malay sauce. I couldn’t be more disappointed in myself and more disgusted with my behaviour.
I know I’m definitely falling in love with this guy but there’s one thing I’m worried about. My E.D. We’ve been best friends for over a year and he knows everything about it and accepts all that I am, he even buys me pills and safe foods because he see’s what goes through my head. But sharing E.D’s in relationships can be lethal. The worse your E.D gets the harder it is for the person you love to watch you hurt yourself. I’ve seen many girls go through this and have lost their relationship.
I cried myself to sleep last night because I failed and ate dinner and my boyfriend said to me - “I really thought I was making you better”.
I’ve let myself go lately and I’m getting fat again. The reason why I know isn’t because the scales tell me so or that my pants are too tight around my waist and thighs, but because nobody comments on my weight any more. So what if the scales say you have lost, if people are not noticing then you are not making enough of a difference.